Oh My Celestial Actuary! - Review of "Lara" by Bertrice Small

Title: Lara
Author: Bertrice Small
Release Date: April 25, 2006
Series and Number: The World of Hetar, #1

I discovered Bertrice Small when I was first getting into romance and trying out various subgenres and seeing where my tastes ran. And Bertrice... well... for me, she is in the realm of what some in the business call “crazycakes.” And, frankly, that’s the only term for it.

It’s like those times where you’re trying to eat well and limit carbs and sweets and exercise and stuff. And you’re doing a great job with it, too. But every now and again, you just have to indulge in a Twinkie. There is no redeeming nutritional value to it, but dammit if you just WANT ONE.

That’s what Bertrice Small is in my reading habits. Sometimes, I just want a crazycake.

“Lara” is the first book in The World of Hetar series, which is Bertrice Small’s foray into fantasy romance. The plot is (and you are going to TIRE of hearing this if you read the book - seriously, Lara has to tell EVERYONE she meets about this), Lara is a half-human half-faerie girl whose father needs to sell her into slavery so he can have the money to look good enough to join the Crusader Knights and lift his family out of poverty. And Lara not only goes along with this plan, she AGREES to it. Because she’s beautiful and someone is going to pay big money to take her virginity and it’s best for her father, her stepmother, and her baby half-brother.

It's actually a GOOD CAREER CHOICE for her. Granted, it seems rational in the context of this fantasy world. But please tell me I wasn't the only one squicked out by it?

That’s the thing - no matter how insane the suggestions, Lara just goes along with everything she’s told to do. Well... until she actually experiences what those plans are. Like when she's enslaved by the brutish Forest Lords (eeeesh... no). Then she gets a talking magic sword and cuts off the bastard’s head.

Like I said - crazycakes.

Let me talk about the prose here. Remember when you had to read The Iliad or most any of Shakespeare’s plays in school? Or even reading the King James Version of the Bible? (And, yes, I know I’m probably going to hell for comparing a racy romance novel to the Bible.) I swear, that’s what Bertrice was trying to do with her prose. Make it sound archaic and grand and epic in scope.

But there are times when I’m reading this story - even the sex scenes - and I feel like I’m reading something out of the Old Testament. Not because of the content, but because of how the words are put together. Not to mention how shallow the characters are. Most of the time, they only do things because the plot demands it. Which is why I felt like I was reading the Bible in places. The worst things in the world could be happening, and the protagonists say “It’s my destiny. It’s what the Celestial Actuary wants. I’m fine” (and make sure it’s said in the most level and bland tone possible).

And even when the characters do express emotion, it’s just spoken about. “Tell, Don’t Show,” if you will. You never feel their emotions (other than the umpteenth time someone screams in pleasure. Even then, it’s like reading a grocery list). They’re all like NPCs in a video game. They’re programmed to do certain things and that’s it.

So why do I keep coming back to Bertrice Small’s books? Hell if I know. Maybe it’s just fascinating that such a thing exists. It amuses me. I imagine this is why Fifty Shades of Gray was/is so popular. You just can’t look away.

So sit back and enjoy your crazycake. It’s certainly better than anything else 2020 has served up thus far.