Oh My Celestial Actuary! - Review of "Lara" by Bertrice Small

Title: Lara
Author: Bertrice Small
Release Date: April 25, 2006
Series and Number: The World of Hetar, #1

I discovered Bertrice Small when I was first getting into romance and trying out various subgenres and seeing where my tastes ran. And Bertrice... well... for me, she is in the realm of what some in the business call “crazycakes.” And, frankly, that’s the only term for it.

It’s like those times where you’re trying to eat well and limit carbs and sweets and exercise and stuff. And you’re doing a great job with it, too. But every now and again, you just have to indulge in a Twinkie. There is no redeeming nutritional value to it, but dammit if you just WANT ONE.

That’s what Bertrice Small is in my reading habits. Sometimes, I just want a crazycake.

“Lara” is the first book in The World of Hetar series, which is Bertrice Small’s foray into fantasy romance. The plot is (and you are going to TIRE of hearing this if you read the book - seriously, Lara has to tell EVERYONE she meets about this), Lara is a half-human half-faerie girl whose father needs to sell her into slavery so he can have the money to look good enough to join the Crusader Knights and lift his family out of poverty. And Lara not only goes along with this plan, she AGREES to it. Because she’s beautiful and someone is going to pay big money to take her virginity and it’s best for her father, her stepmother, and her baby half-brother.

It's actually a GOOD CAREER CHOICE for her. Granted, it seems rational in the context of this fantasy world. But please tell me I wasn't the only one squicked out by it?

That’s the thing - no matter how insane the suggestions, Lara just goes along with everything she’s told to do. Well... until she actually experiences what those plans are. Like when she's enslaved by the brutish Forest Lords (eeeesh... no). Then she gets a talking magic sword and cuts off the bastard’s head.

Like I said - crazycakes.

Let me talk about the prose here. Remember when you had to read The Iliad or most any of Shakespeare’s plays in school? Or even reading the King James Version of the Bible? (And, yes, I know I’m probably going to hell for comparing a racy romance novel to the Bible.) I swear, that’s what Bertrice was trying to do with her prose. Make it sound archaic and grand and epic in scope.

But there are times when I’m reading this story - even the sex scenes - and I feel like I’m reading something out of the Old Testament. Not because of the content, but because of how the words are put together. Not to mention how shallow the characters are. Most of the time, they only do things because the plot demands it. Which is why I felt like I was reading the Bible in places. The worst things in the world could be happening, and the protagonists say “It’s my destiny. It’s what the Celestial Actuary wants. I’m fine” (and make sure it’s said in the most level and bland tone possible).

And even when the characters do express emotion, it’s just spoken about. “Tell, Don’t Show,” if you will. You never feel their emotions (other than the umpteenth time someone screams in pleasure. Even then, it’s like reading a grocery list). They’re all like NPCs in a video game. They’re programmed to do certain things and that’s it.

So why do I keep coming back to Bertrice Small’s books? Hell if I know. Maybe it’s just fascinating that such a thing exists. It amuses me. I imagine this is why Fifty Shades of Gray was/is so popular. You just can’t look away.

So sit back and enjoy your crazycake. It’s certainly better than anything else 2020 has served up thus far.

Autenberry's (Step)Mom Has Got It Goin' On - Review of "The Scandal of It All" by Sophie Jordan

Title: The Scandal of It All 
Author: Sophie Jordan
Release Date: July 25, 2017
Series and Number: The Rogue Files, #2

I swear, Sophie Jordan must have had "Stacy's Mom" playing on repeat when she was writing this book. I mean, I had it looping over and over in my head while I was reading it. Which actually made the experience even more entertaining.

Okay, let's get one thing out of the way: If the heroine in this book hadn't been married to the hero's best friend's (now deceased) father, there would be zero problem. Graciela, the Dowager Duchess of Autenberry is only six years older than Lord Strickland (the hero) and the late Duke of Autenberry was an old man when they got married (and a gross one, it turns out). But if Graciela and Colin had met before Graciela got married, it wouldn't be so awkward.

Then again, that's what makes everything so funny.

Graciela is a widow who is tired of just killing time until her daughter is grown and married and then she'll be left all alone. She lets another friend, also a widow, convince her to go to this club called Sodom (three guesses what kind of club that is). While she goes and is in disguise, she encounters her stepson and his best friend. The friend, Lord Strickland, recognizes her and does everything he can to hide her presence from her stepson.

And I do mean EVERYTHING.

The scene where Strickland is hiding Graciela from Marcus is absolutely hilarious. It has the tone of a Three Stooges sketch, but everything is R-rated. Because Marcus just Won't Go Away. I do feel bad for Graciela, but at the same time she said she wanted adventure and to take risks and not just have a sedate life as a respectable widow. Well, my dear, you got EXACTLY what you wanted.

And that's one issue with this book - Graciela will make a decision (like going to Sodom or to seek out a gentleman to have an affair with), but when it comes time to put that decision into action, she wimps out completely. Which would be okay, if she ever overcame that fear. It happens CONSTANTLY in the book. Even up to the end when circumstances make it so she and Strickland must marry and she still waffles back and forth about her choices.

As far as Strickland goes - he's the kid in "Stacy's Mom." He even says that he's been in love with Graciela since Autenberry's father married her. Obviously he never acted on that while the old duke was still alive, and he's even weirded out by this situation now. But that the difference in the two characters - he gets over it. He changes and develops as events unfold, where Graciela does not. Not, at least, until the very last page when it's supposed to be Happy Ever After!

So the first 3/4 of the book is almost a comedy of errors (and a very entertaining one, at that), but the last quarter of the book feels too repetitive because Graciela just cannot get over her hangups. Which is disappointing. I really hoped that she'd become this confident and adventurous lady after all her escapades.

Still, for the scenes at Sodom and the scene at the musicale (not quite as funny as the Sodom scene, but still humorous), I do recommend this book. Just don't get too excited for the ending.

I Knew Ye Were Trouble - Review of "It's Getting Scot in Here" by Suzanne Enoch

Title: It's Getting Scot in Here
Author: Suzanne Enoch
Release Date: February 26, 2019

Series and Number: Wild Wicked Highlanders, #1

Audiobook Narrator: Flora MacDonald

You ever read (or in this case, listen to) a book and it leaves you with all the happy warm fuzzies for a long time afterward?

Readers, I'm still on a happy, lovey-dovey high after reading this one.

First some background - I found this audiobook on sale on iBooks a few days ago when I was kind of in a reading slump. Since this was the first in the series, I went for it. I didn't know what exactly to expect, though I have read Suzanne Enoch in the past. But whatever I expected, this book surpassed those expectations.

(Before I go further, bear in mind that I did listen to the audiobook and I haven't had a chance to consult a hard copy of the book yet. So if any names or such are misspelled in this post, please know that is all my own error.)

The plot is as follows: The McTaggart brothers have to find English wives or their mother (who is estranged from her husband, their father) will rescind the money she’s been giving over to support their lands in Scotland. The feud between their parents definitely colors the overall story and conflict and it’s a brilliant one. Especially when the brothers arrive in London to meet their mother for the first time in seventeen years.

Part of the agreement that Francesca McTaggart, Lady Aldris had with her husband is that she would choose a wife for at least one of her sons. She picks out Amelia-Rose Baxter for her eldest, Coll, who is set to inherit. But because of the bad blood of having been estranged from their mother for all that time, Coll is not thrilled with the situation and he's set out to ruin everything from the beginning.

Enter Niall, the youngest McTaggart brother. He's used to smoothing over problems his brothers create and this is no different. He makes excuses for Coll and sets himself up to court Amelia-Rose as proxy for his bear of a brother. Their estate, Aldris Park, depends on it.

See where this is going yet?

Amelia-Rose, for her part, is determined to get out from under the thumb of her overbearing mama, who is ambitious for a title in the family and will settle for nothing less. But that involves Amelia-Rose being subject to all manner of scolding and reproach from her mother. It is evident that Amelia-Rose is NOT going to be the simpering miss that Coll McTaggart is expecting from what his father has told them of English ladies.

From the get-go, all of the conflicts in this story push against each other perfectly. Coll doesn't want to bow to his mother's wishes, Niall and Aden (the middle brother) want to save Aldris Park, Amelia-Rose wants to be herself but still enjoy her place in society, Mrs. Baxter wants a title, Lady Aldris wants her sons in her life. On the surface, it seems like everything is about to collapse on itself.

But it doesn't. And a lot of that is down to the brilliant chemistry that Niall and Amelia-Rose have from the instant Niall steps in to cover up his brother's foolish mistakes. They are both likable from the get-go.  Even the boys' younger sister, Eloise, says later that Niall and Amelia-Rose says they are perfect for each other.

The best part of this story? Niall and Amelia-Rose actually TALK TO EACH OTHER! There’s very little of this “Poor Communication Kills,” beyond what’s necessary for the story to unfold. And what is there is done with in due course. If there is a misunderstanding, it's cleared up fairly quickly, so there's none of this "Oh, does he really love me?" OF COURSE HE DOES! He just can't say it in front of the milquetoast fop that your mother paid to marry you!

(Oh gee - wait until you get to THAT doofus.)

Luckily, Amelia-Rose isn't that dense and Niall comes up with a wonderful plan that I refuse to spoil because it was so great to watch unfold. Also, keep a close eye on Lady Aldris. "Formidable" only begins to describe her. That's all I'll say here.

And a quick word of praise to Flora MacDonald for her narrating of the audiobook - she's great! I think this might be the first audio I've listened to of hers and her voice acting definitely added to my enjoyment of the story. Even with three big Highlanders to voice, she gives all three of them distinctive brogues and you can tell which one is supposed to be speaking, even before the dialogue tags come in. But she can also do a slightly more delicate English lady for Amelia-Rose, Eloise, and Lady Aldris (all distinctive as well), plus the haughty harridan of Mrs. Baxter. So if you get the chance to listen to the audiobook, I highly recommend it!

(Though I will say that I vastly prefer the book cover to the audiobook cover. The couple on the book actually looks like they could be Niall and Amelia-Rose. The couple on the audiobook... well, they don't.)

Overall: A strong start to a new series and one that I am very much looking forward to reading!

Also - In many ways, this was the book that inspired the Rebelite Romance Reviews blog. A young lady who can navigate society, while also being a bit outspoken and sure of herself (once she gets some proper encouragement in that direction, of course). So, we have Amelia-Rose to thank for that.